VALENTINES DAY EXODUS
This will be the fourth consecutive Valentine’s Day my marriage has withstood the withering barrage of advertising. It hasn’t been easy! You would think it’s impossible to survive without chocolate, cards, jewelry or flowers. Who knows? Maybe it is.
Getting ready for this
completely manufactured holiday is a lot of work. Erecting firewalls, digging a
moat, locking the mailbox shut, and putting the cellphones on Airplane Mode are
just a few of the defense measures necessary to protect our sanity. Last year I
even blocked the driveway with picket signs stolen from a nearby construction
strike.
The forces arrayed against
us men are formidable, to say the least. Valentine’s Day is now a
billion-dollar industry. Retailers will stop at nothing to bulldoze dudes into
buying anything that can sport a red ribbon.
And it’s not just flirty
cards or flowers anymore. Oh no. Even pajama-grams are old school. Now it
includes cars, condos, cruises and concerts.
I can even go right down
the road a piece, if my lady is a hunter, wrestler, or feminazi, and buy her a
pickup truck, tactical vest, or firearm, all in the name of a romantic
dateline. And let’s face it, guys, what woman isn’t turned on by the fragrance
of diesel smoke, the music of gunfire, or the hug of a bulletproof vest?
I buy flowers for my girl
every once in a while. Maybe even the occasional bracelet or earrings. But the
truth is, the lady of my life prefers practical gifts, like salt-and-pepper
shotgun shells or chromium plated license plate holders on the family sedan.
For truly special days of
the calendar, like a birthday, or the anniversary of her release from prison, I
gladly spring for something more meaningful. You know, like a cassette tape of
Earl Pitts/Amurican preaching, or Gretchen Wilson’s book on airline etiquette.
I reckon a man can’t love a woman more than that, eh?
As road drivers, we really
are limited in what we can do. Ordering online is one option, at the risk of
attracting shadow hackers and porch pirates, but there’s also the option of
searching the shelves at your favorite fuel stops. What lonely woman back home in
Missouri wouldn’t appreciate plastic-stamped silverware or a shot glass with the
state emblem glued to the box?
But wait. I’ve got it!
There’s a nationally recognized candy manufacturer based in Kansas City, and
they have a plant in Montrose, Colorado. I’ve had that run a few times, and you
have to go over Monarch Pass. It’s beautiful up there, and just think, I’d have
that special someone with me to put on the tire chains.
So, there you are. I’m not
just good looks and charm after all. I can get a brainstorm even above 10,000
feet. Proof that we can make money, save money, have a vacation, and deliver
the goods.
There are plenty of
important milestones in February. It was the day the music died, in 1959. It’s President’s
Day, and Ground Hog Day. It’s how we learn if there’s six more weeks of my
wife’s frosty stare on the calendar.
Valentine’s Day should be
remembered for what it was in the beginning, which is capitol punishment. No,
really, it was. The patron saint of Valentine’s Day was, in fact, St.
Valentine, and the Roman emperor signed his death warrant.
It was also the day in 1929
when George “Bugs” Moran’s gang was massacred by unknown assailants in a north
Chicago suburb, which may explain why red is such a favorite color. Or not. So,
take that, Cupid, and stay out of my checking account!