“Two Words In English”

Recently I made a desperate decision, disguised as an opportunity, to invest in an airport car service. Sort of an Uber on steroids, known in the industry as an executive car service, they provide transport for clients too rich, too big, too old, or too slow for regular taxicabs. It can be economical when you factor in airport parking rates, long-distance ground support, or the risk of getting hit by someone more impatient than you are.

I didn’t have much choice, in a way. It was go broke, it seemed, or go home.  I discussed it with my wife last week, which all wise men do, and she went for a walk to think about it. I haven’t seen her since Wednesday. 

In the interest of full disclosure, my girl knows less about investment portfolios than I do, and I know less than the homeless folks on Philadelphia’s Kensington Avenue. So when an acquaintance suggested we invest in the car service, I said, why not?  This way we can watch the bank account bleed out at point-blank range, instead of a monthly report from our national financial brokerage house. 

 Rest assured, it’s not a dire situation. We can afford to lose, which is tenet number one for investors, but I’m a good driver and Susan is a great money manager. That meant we were living on rice and beans, even when trucking in six figures, and we certainly don’t want to lose our taste for Uncle Ben’s now!

As trucking owner-operators, we hauled machinery, which never left a review, and equipment that talked to me only when I was hallucinating. In executive car service, however, we drive the cars, but reviews move the market. In trucking, people waved with one finger occasionally, before driving off in a huff. But in the car service, a bad review never heads down memory lane. Like a skunk in the road, we just have to keep driving around it.

On paper, there’s not a lot of difference between a truck fleet and a car fleet. There are license, maintenance, fuel, insurance, and labor costs, often double what we planned for. These are the issues that keep us from exhaling. 

On the other side of that coin, just like trucking, we drive equipment that always gets a second glance and a first-time whistle. Whether it’s a parade, airport run, or wedding procession, our rigs always get looks of approval.

 Just like trucking, there are bonuses, blessings, gratuities, and opportunities. We often meet movers and shakers, national politicians, outstate celebrities, and even famous Broadway stars I’ve never heard of. That one required a suit and tie, and they were duly impressed, but my own grandchildren didn’t recognize me.

The list of clients we serve includes an Air Force flag officer, a U.S. Attorney General, the local FAA Director, and some guy who had the highest ratings on Fox News. Then there’s the lady we’ve met twice here, who writes canon law for the Catholic Church, and a business owner with a global market for manhole covers.

 But my favorite this year is the four Turkish nationals we picked up at the Kansas City Airport, going to McPherson, Kansas. We were told they didn’t speak English, so we had to make sure there was no chance for a language foul, especially on a 200-mile drive. But they did know two words in English, and it made the whole drive memorable. 

“Bathroom” and “KFC” were all we needed to take care of both in Junction City!