New Year’s Wardrobe
I’m a good looking trucker. At least I thought I was. But then someone recently said I looked like a dead man. Well, okay, they said I looked like the old man on the reality show Pawn Stars, and that guy is indeed expired. So I looked in the mirror, wearing my trademark fedora and Oakleys, and there he was, Richard “Old Man” Harrison.
Right there I decided it was time for a makeover, and—bonus—my wife is out of town for a week. So I went to YouTube, where all the cool truckers hang now days, and made a list of what they wear to connect with all the other cool trailer truckers. I must say, it’s a pretty long list.
The first thing I noticed was tattoos. Not just on the arms, like my uncles had coming home from the war, but on the neck. On the face. On the hands. The artwork looks pretty good on the young guys, but apparently, they’re not planning to get old. On drivers my age tats like that look like this deli casserole I’m eating.
I see man-buns are in, at least until they show up at their mom’s house, but how do these guys wear a cap? Where do these 25-year-olds stick the hat pin that shows ten years of trucking? Can they convert the bun into a ponytail? More importantly, do guys carry bobby pins?
The drivers I view wearing pajama bottoms could, because they have pockets. At least mine have pockets, but those never leave the house. Heck, they never leave the bedroom. And speaking of things better left in the bedroom, I would put flip-flops in that category.
I’ll confess that I don’t get it. On a job where feet and toes come in really handy, I see young YouTube drivers in flip-flops dragging chains, pushing pallet jacks, and slinging ratchets. If ever there was a likely trip to an orthopedic surgeon, that would be numero uno.
Muscle shirts and Bermuda shorts are in again this year, as winter makes its way over mountain passes. It’s fashionable, apparently, to pair them with parkas and safety vests, even in the chain lanes on Vail Pass. Seems a bit nippy at 10,000 feet, but then, what do I know?
I know that nose rings, earrings, lip clips, and eyebrow gems are also very popular, particularly among our female YouTube drivers, but they’re also cold at any elevation. No, not the wimmen, just the jewelry!
But not all fashion accessories are pinned to someone’s eyebrows or clamped to a quivering lip. I have one possession I’m proud of, and it’s not even visible. Nor do I bring it to Show-And-Tell. It’s a Byrna Launcher, capable of firing up to six rounds of concentrated pepper spray up to sixty feet effective range.
It’s described as a non-lethal defensive tool, legal in any truck and in any state, without a CC permit. It’s also bright orange, so any law enforcement officer wiser than Barney will instantly recognize it as something other than a firearm. Bad dudes, on the other hand, will only see their life flash before them as they cough up more tears than a parent of triplets at a Taylor Swift concert.
When it comes down to it, I reckon, I’m just too old for bling and ponytails. After all, my parents didn’t raise no fool. Well, okay, yes, they did, but it was my older and better looking brother, not me. Reckon I’ll settle for “Old Man” Harrison!